Posts Tagged ‘decisions’

  1. My mama taught me

    November 5, 2011 by Julie Moon

    If my mama has taught me anything in life…she has taught me this:

    etsy art

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  2. New Orleans, Charleston?

    November 3, 2011 by Julie Moon

    Today is a day dedicated to staying in my pajamas and researching.  I need to figure out what kind of reconstruction I want.  I am leaning towards really wanting to reconstruct my breasts with tissue from my own body…not implants.  I really like the idea of whatever is in my body being my own…less chance for my body to reject it.  I like the idea of having one surgery and being done…not having to replace implants long term.  I like the idea that if I gain weight or lose weight my breasts will gain or lose with me.  I like the idea of losing a bit of fat from another part of my body in the process of gaining new breasts.   I am seriously considering traveling out of town for this reconstruction…there are two centers I am researching…one in New Orleans and another in Charleston, SC.  It looks like they both cover my insurance so I would just have the extra travel expenses.

    I’d be just like a real life Hollywood star.  Travel out of town and have some major plastic surgery and return home a new woman. ha!

    Here are the links to two of the places I’m considering.  They do so many more DIEP and GAP procedures than anyone in Atlanta.  There’s lots of great reading about what it is I’m planning on doing on their websites.

    New Orleans

    Charleston

     

     

     

     

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  3. Squeeze Me

    November 2, 2011 by Julie Moon

    Yesterday was my first of many doctor visits.   The office was huge and there were so many people there.  They told me to plan for a 3 hour appointment.  My cell phone was charged and ready to keep up with my emails and facebook and chatting with friends.  My mom came with me.  Sitting in the waiting room was strange…well several waiting rooms really of women all dressed in robes.  We all looked the same.  It was like everyone was tagged in that one room.  If you wore the robe then you were obviously the one with an issue.  The non robed women were just there as support people.  The office just deals with people with issues…if you find a lump, need an MRI, have breast cancer or like me…are a genetic mutant.  So, noone was there for their happy little annual mammogram (ha…as if any mammogram is happy).

    I had a mammogram.  It was not a big deal.  It’s uncomfortable but not painful.  I then moved to the next waiting area where I was called back for an ultrasound.  Ultrasound can find even more than a mammogram and is good for dense breast tissue.  Then I moved to the last waiting area…waiting to talk to my doctor.  My mom was with me the whole time…chatting it up with ladies all around me.  It was good to have her there but I enjoyed the time alone on my own as well.  I like to be alone in these type situations.  It feels easier to actually deal with and cope with the problem.

    My doctor showed us the ultrasound results and she showed me that I have two areas with cysts.  She recommends that I have them biopsied in office soon.  I schedule an appointment for November 11th to have that done.  It’s a pain to deal with insurance and paying so much at the end of the year but the mister and I agreed that it’s worth it and we would really be mad if we didn’t do something and it ended up being cancer and we didn’t have the 2 month jump on dealing with it.  We’ll come up with a way to pay for it or come up with a payment plan.

    How do I feel about them finding cysts in my breasts?  It is what it is.  I don’t feel worried.  Should I be worried?  I don’t know.  I don’t usually worry about things like this.  I worry about things I think I have control over and this I just don’t really feel like I have any control over.  Maybe that’s why it feels simple.

    I wanted to cry tonight.  It feels good to cry sometimes.  It just didn’t come easy tonight.

    I have three plastic surgeons to meet with.  I want to speak with each of them and find out what kind of reconstruction they recommend for me.

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  4. Labor in Waiting

    November 2, 2011 by Julie Moon

    Here I sit in the examination room…waiting. I feel my heart pounding and every now and then my hands start shaking. I take a deep breath and calm my breathing. In and out…yoga breathing…listening to the exhale. One moment at a time. I always learned that with labor I just needed to work through one contraction at a time. Deeply focused on this one moment I will not let my mind race forward to the many other “contractions” that I have to face on this journey. This is not easy. I can’t wait to have a good cry on the way home.

    20111101-131242.jpg

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  5. BRCA

    October 31, 2011 by Julie Moon

    So not only does the wonderful BRCA 1 gene I possess mean that I get my chest butchered but I also have an increased risk of ovarian cancer.   Well you know what that means right? Yep…I get to have those removed too.  When? I have no idea.  Because losing your ovaries sucks worse than losing your breasts.  Why?  Because what 35 year old woman wants to go through menopause?  Not this one!

    But I must remember…….lose your breast + lose your ovaries = keep your life.

    I keep stumbling around on the internet researching and looking for something helpful.  I need to do more research about my situation and what I plan to do.  I read an amazing story from another BRCA person…35.  Her story was empowering and just what I needed to read.  But then I just have this overwhelming nausea that I can’t shake.  And I feel hot inside…and like my heart is going to pound out of my chest.  I can’t imagine if today was the day for me to make that step.  One of these days…not too far from now… it will be.  Will I feel this way every time I think about it?  Will I feel this scared every time?  Thank goodness I pray…that’s about all that seems to calm me down.

    Do not be afraid….Do not be afraid…Do not be afraid

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  6. Surgeons…

    October 27, 2011 by Julie Moon

    Yesterday I printed off a list of all the plastic surgeons that are covered by my insurance.   Six pages of names and addresses but I wasn’t really sure where to start.  I posted on facebook but then after getting several questions from friends I removed the post.  I don’t mind that everyone knows what is going on but I didn’t want to be overly dramatic and draw attention.  One person did email me though and really took the time to reach out.  Her husband is a ob/gyn here in town and her sister in law is a breast surgeon in Atlanta.  She emailed her sister in law for me and got me several recommendations for surgeons.  I now have a list of four…two men and two women. Tomorrow I’m calling to make appointments to meet with them.

    There are moments every single day that I can hardly believe I’m doing this.  It’s like a movie I’m watching but not really participating in.   I am going to take my mom with me to meet surgeons.  I think this will be a bit cathartic for her to go through with me.   I need a bit of space though to separate my emotions from hers.  I feel differently about my surgery than she did…we are such very different people.  She wants to protect me so much and I have to find the line of letting her help me and making my own choices.  I don’t doubt that she’ll support me wholeheartedly…no matter what I choose to do.

    This is my journal…writing my questions, notes and thoughts about this journey.

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  7. The Beginning

    October 27, 2011 by Julie Moon

    This weekend I participated in the Susan G Komen 3day for the cure.  I am so grateful for this weekend in Atlanta.  I feel like I went through a roller coaster of emotion.  I loved every minute of  freezing our tails off in the morning cold, sleeping between my snoring friends, driving in circles all over Atlanta and most of all exploring all the emotion inside of me that I try so often to ignore.   I do believe I was exactly where I needed to be with the group of people I needed to be with.   

    Breast cancer has affected my family in so many ways but it hasn’t been as personal as it has been for many of the people I came in contact with during this 3day.  In my mind it’s always felt “manageable” for some reason.   To be there at the event really put some reality to it that I had not experienced before.   I haven’t ever watched someone die from breast cancer.  I haven’t ever had a friend diagnosed.   My mom’s diagnosis didn’t even really seem “real” to me because it was after she had her breasts removed.  On Friday my friend showed me the memorial tents and though they were moving….it didn’t really beckon me inside.   I had fun encouraging walkers and just being with my team. 

    Saturday…was a big day.  Something really hit me.  I saw way too many buttons, signs, tshirts with people missing their mamas and I realized that could have been me.  I felt so humbled and grateful for the gift of research and genetic testing and most of all for the voice inside my mother’s heart that led her to have her surgery before anything grew out of control in her body.  Then my thoughts quickly went to my children and what I must do in order to ensure they aren’t wearing buttons with my picture.   It was like my heart was being stepped on.  I felt so heavy.   I feel so sad that my mom knows I carry the gene.  I don’t know how in the world I will feel when I find out someday if I have passed it along to my own children.  How will I feel as they make decisions to deal with that diagnosis?  What if they don’t choose what I think they should choose?  What if they are afraid?
     
    The rest of Saturday  was me coming back to peace with what had been opened up in my heart.  I had a moment of clarity on our walk back to camp when the sun was shining bright over the empty parking lot and I realized that my path is clear.  I will do the hard things that I have to do to stay healthy.  I will hold that moment in my heart for a very long time.  It was a content feeling…just peace at being where I was.

    Sunday was another great day…mixed with so much emotion and so many laughs.  Our team had found their groove and we were so happy to be together.  After working all morning we sat and ate our lunch quietly while we listened to the music.  I could have sat there all day just in the presence of my new friends.   It was perfect.  We gave our crew captain a tshirt that we all signed.  I don’t think any of us were able to express in a 10 word little blurb how grateful we were for him.  For his dedication to the cause.  For his vulnerability for sharing his story.  I feel like I truly gained a friend for life this weekend.   He was like an older brother to me…listening knowingly…understanding all the emotions that I was trying to put into words…happily watching me “get it”.  I know there was so much going on in his heart that weekend.  I don’t know him well enough to really understand but I will.  He needed to come to Atlanta and we needed him to be there.   He needed to see how what he was doing WAS and IS making a difference to people like me.  We were right where we needed to be.

    The final walk into holding was so much more than I expected it to be.  It was the connection of the walkers and the crew realizing that we were there for each other in a way that noone else really understands.  Inside where aching feet turned to dancing feet and the victory everyone felt for pushing themselves to the limit and beyond what they thought they were capable of.  Looking around and seeing all the pink survivor shirts.  Seeing women my age in pink…my age!  Almost none of them know MY story.  Almost none of them know that I will be there next year hopefully post surgery.  Who else in that space was just like me?   Who there was too afraid to be proactive and now wears pink or worse…isn’t there at all.  They walked for me.  They crewed for me.  So that I can be brave.   We walked in a line out to the closing ceremony and I was overcome with gratitude.   Their eyes all saying “we know…you can do it”…knowing my team was there with me….in front of me and behind me not letting me run away.  I am not alone.  

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