June 10, 2012 by Julie Moon
These days I feel like I’m on a roller coaster. One minute I’m ecstatic about how things are going and then the next minute I’m feeling like I’m never going to be finished and whole. I remember my mom talking like this. I remember her feeling like she was never going to feel great again. She is not without complications even 4 years later but she is in a much better place.
Last night as I pulled off a piece of tape that has been over the incision on my right breast (all my wounds were sewn up with something that looks and feels like fishing line and then taped over with something I think looks like sheetrock tape) I was amazed. My right breast looks so very normal. So much like the me from before surgery. I have a 4.5 inch incision on that breast but other than that I’m feeling so happy with the results. The scars will fade and it will be great. Times of rejoicing.
Then I pulled off my no stick gauze from the left breast that is looking so rough. It’s hard to even imagine it looking normal again. Lots of incisions and a bleb of a “nipple” they are working at creating and the incisions aren’t even closed tight. Feeling like my insides are exposed and I’ll be eternally doing wound care. Times of mourning.
We attempted a nipple sparing mastectomy for both sides. The nipple has to receive adequate blood flow to survive and Leftie Loser did not. She bit the dust early and now we have to replace her. It makes me sad to see how great the right side looks and know what I would look like right now if that nipple on the left had survived. Makes me well up with tears right here right now.
But then I remind myself that I did not go through all of this just to have two fuller, more youthful breasts that look perfect. I went through this to make sure I’m around to see this little bit grow her own breasts and make a life for herself. I went through this to live a long life and I can live a very long life with one beautiful breast and one ok breast…neither of them are going to kill me. And THAT my friends is what matters!
Category The Journey | Tags: baby girl,BRCA,breast cancer,emotions,family,nipple,recovery,sad,scar | No Comments
June 9, 2012 by Julie Moon
I’m happy to be nearing another weekend and getting closer to being 3 weeks post surgery. I think at 3 weeks I can stop wearing these horrid compression garments. I’m hoping that I can start getting 1/2 of me in the pool (if the water in Georgia will ever warm up). I’m feeling more like myself and I’m going to start working again next week.
I’m driving…but it does make me very sore.
My house ends up looking like this more often than not…which I’m slowly getting used to. Remember I’m an organizer by profession.
Though I am feeling better there is lots going on in my family. Stuff with my father in laws health and also with my future brother in law and my mom. I’m ready for the universe to give us all just a couple months off from all of it. Somehow I don’t think that’s the direction we’re headed.
As far as my recovery…things are looking on. My left breast is not pretty but not infected and supposedly healing…though I’m skeptical that everything is going exactly right. I gotta keep it bandaged and keep an eye on things. Also…you’d be amazed how many times your children bang into your chest on a daily basis…trust me…it’s lots. ouch.
Category The Journey | Tags: BRCA,breast cancer,family,pain,recovery,scar,waiting,work,wound | No Comments
June 2, 2012 by Julie Moon
Well I woke up this morning with a stomach bug. Seriously universe…give me a break! I am finally feeling a bit better but goodness can I please feel great soon. I have had insomnia the past three nights…I need no more of that either. I did however have an awesome reader, another of Dr. Craigie’s patients email me yesterday and gave me lots of encouraging messages. It was great. I do feel better about getting it all out there and now I can just move on and get to healing up. I also had another friend bring over some swimsuits for me to try on. It’s unusual for trying on swimsuits to be fun but I do have to say that was a good highlight of the day. There are some “perks” to all this surgery.
Category The Journey | Tags: BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,clothes,recovery,sick,Sleep | No Comments
May 31, 2012 by Julie Moon
********warning…there is a whole lot of whining in this post
i have to get it all out before I can get over it ********
I haven’t posted since I got home from Charleston. It’s been a week now since I returned. Honestly I haven’t done much of anything. I am having a much harder time with this stage than I expected. It helps me greatly to look back on photos of myself as a happy, bright eyed woman because right now I am not sure where that chick is. I have only really gotten dressed once in the past week and that was because some friends came over to celebrate Memorial Day. I barely got off the couch that day and every day since. So…let’s break it down so I can process all that I’m feeling.
1- I hate meds. It’s good I don’t need them on a regular basis because my body freaking hates meds. I had to quit taking the dilaudid because even zofran wasn’t taking care of my nausea. I decided I could deal with a bit more pain if it meant less nausea. I hate how meds mess with your digestion. I hate that I have to set a timer to remember to take something around the clock. I’m finished with my antibiotic. I’m taking extra strength tylenol but last night I tried some Aleve to see if that helped more. Medicine makes me feel weak…not myself.
2- I feel guilty. Summer started on May 16th for my children. I feel like they are just missing out on the first month of summer, stuck with their sick mom in the house or pawned off on other people. I want to take them to the pool but I can’t get in the pool…which poses a problem when it’s 95 degrees outside and when you have a three year old. A few people have taken the kids to the pool and I feel like I’m missing out. I want them to remember this summer as a fun time not as the summer their mother was laid up on the couch. I’m tired of hearing the tv blaring but little children don’t find things to do on their own easily without some encouragement. I just feel like I’m in a fog and the days are slipping by.
3-I’m scared. I see my wounds and worry about my healing. In my head I know things are going to go fine but it’s such a delicate thing. I pray every day that my body will be whole and complete and healthy but I am scared.
4- I’m worried. I worry about my brca sisters. I know so many of them have been looking to me as a strong example. They have told me their concerns and fears and I have been the champion cheerleader. I have encouraged them and been their support and now I’m weak and I worry that this might scare them. I know they want to know the good and bad but I know how scary it can be also.
5- I’m grateful. My friends have not missed a beat helping me out this time as well. Stopping by with food, to clean up my living room or do a load of laundry. I’ve had plenty of help with my children.
Last night one of my friends came and got my oldest two children. She took my wild and crazy 7 year old boy and my 9 year old with a low grade fever who had thrown up the night before. She has three of her own. Her selflessness made me cry. To take a friend’s children when one of them is sick…potentially taking that on for your own family…loving my children as her own was remarkable. I have said it before…my village is amazing. Today my sister came and got the little one and they are off for a day long adventure. I want my babies close to me…they make me feel comforted even when they are driving me crazy. To be alone is a bit scary sometimes but I think I need this day to process, let it all out and stand back up. I know my kids are having the time of their life…they will come home happy, recharged, well fed and loved and hopefully I will greet them with a bit of the same.
How I look has become secondary this week…how I feel is so much more important right now. I need to feel better. I’m planning on going out today…somewhere. I’m going to get out of the house and go somewhere that makes me feel normal.
Category The Journey | Tags: baby girl,big girl,blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,emotions,fear,friends,medicine,recovery,Scared,Surgery,the boy | No Comments
April 2, 2012 by Julie Moon
Would you believe that tonight is the first night I will go to bed bandage free since my surgery on February 1st! Two month anniversary today and I am so grateful for this milestone. It is so amazing to be closed…not oozing, leaking, bleeding, dripping, sticking….nothing but normal! Normal…haha that’s a good one. But really I do feel great. I’m grateful that my twice daily ritual of changing my bandages gets the month of April and most of May off. What a big deal! This certainly wasn’t anything quite as epic as finishing up with my drains…omg I hated those things but it is good. We have a long long way to go before I look “normal” again but I have faith and I know it’s going to happen.
And guess what…it’s 50 days until my next surgery. I’m so excited about this one. I’m so excited about getting put back together and having nice round breasts instead of these odd shaped ones I have right now. I’m so excited about having two nipples. I’m so excited about losing the skin flap from my donor fat site. What a big day it will be!
Category The Journey | Tags: bandages,blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,drains,plans,recovery,scar,Surgery | No Comments
March 29, 2012 by Julie Moon
The Center for Natural Breast Reconstruction will be having a free webinar on Thursday, April 12, 2012 7:00 p.m. ET / 4:00 p.m. PT
Sign up here for the free webinar: http://breastreconstructionnetwork.com/rightforme/
From their website:
When you join us on April 12, you’ll discover…
- Exactly what natural breast reconstruction is and whether you’re a good match for the procedures we offer.
- What all the acronyms mean…DIEP, GAP, TUG, SIEA.
- What you can expect in terms of hospital stays, recovery time, and scarring.
- Answers to insurance questions relating to breast reconstruction. Our insurance specialist will be on hand during our Q&A.
One in eight women in the U.S. will be diagnosed with breast cancer at some point in her life.
Take Control of Your Life!
Category The Journey | Tags: BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,decisions,emotions,expenses,fear,finances,insurance,medicine,pain,planning,plans,plastic surgeon,recovery,scar,surgeon,Surgery,travel | No Comments
March 28, 2012 by Julie Moon
Today I called and scheduled my stage 2 of surgery. It will be on May 22nd in Charleston, SC. Same docs, same hospital, same beautiful city…this time I’m really excited. This surgery will be outpatient but I do have to be there a day on either side…possibly two days post surgery in town. In stage one they left an oval shaped piece of skin from my donor site (yes my booty) attached to the fat tissue they used to create my breasts…so I have that skin on my breasts now. Obviously none of you have seen it but it’s something I see every day. In stage 2 they will remove that skin and I will be left with one short scar out to the side of my breast. They will also make sure all the fat tissue has survived and remove any that hasn’t. They will recreate my left nipple which didn’t survive the surgery (out of that skin flap…fascinating right?). They will also do some contouring to make sure the breasts are the size and shape that looks best. I do not think I will have any drains. Hopefully this will be a piece of cake compared to stage 1. If all heals well my breasts will be finished…done! I am so excited!
It’s amazing how much I have become accustom to my new breasts. At first it really felt like they were foreign objects on my chest. I had such a hard time breathing and being able to stay calm. Now even though I don’t really think I have regained any sensation in the breasts that I didn’t have when I first had surgery they do feel more normal. What a blessing that is. It’s not a concept that I can even accurately describe in words…if you’ve been there…you understand. I’m growing and changing just like everything in life….grateful for these plants that were sent to me that remind me of just that.
Did I mention I’m so excited?!!!!!
Category The Journey | Tags: blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,decisions,nerves,numb,pain,plastic surgeon,recovery,surgeon,Surgery,travel | No Comments
March 16, 2012 by Julie Moon
Yesterday marked six weeks since my surgery. I can say that I do actually feel like myself again. I feel like I am on the other side. I am not totally healed. I still have gauze covering my wounds and I still have scars that need to be revised and more surgery on the books for the rest of the year but I can say without a doubt that I’m grateful I had this surgery. I feel happy and healthy. I know I will regain complete mobility in my arms and that I will feel like myself more and more.
On Tuesday I had the opportunity to get my hair styled and have some very flattering photographs taken. It is for something we are about to do at our photography studio. It was just the boost of self confidence any woman needs…especially one who just underwent a mastectomy. I felt absolutely beautiful. I took some time to look back on my photos just after surgery and wow what a ways I have come in those 6 weeks. I have said it before but science and this surgery is amazing. I feel so blessed.
Six Weeks!!!! I can hardly believe it!
Category The Journey | Tags: BRCA,breast cancer,emotions,photograph,recovery,scar | No Comments
March 5, 2012 by Julie Moon
Let’s face it ladies…it’s never fun. You find the one or two styles and brands that you love and fit you the way you want. Then you just keep them stocked in your drawer. But then they go and discontinue that bra and you’re back at square one. So imagine my fun…I have an empty bra drawer. I spent a couple hours at target today…and a good friend has a few she’s going to bring over tomorrow for me to try out. And then…get this…I get to start from scratch AGAIN after my May surgery. I keep repeating to myself….I am thankful I have healthy breasts that need a bra.
Category The Journey | Tags: bra,emotions,recovery,Surgery | No Comments
March 3, 2012 by Julie Moon
This photo is from March 1, 2012. One month exactly after my bilateral mastectomy and SGAP breast reconstruction. I have a 10 inch scar from each hip down into a V on my buttocks. Yes…TEN inches EACH. I have an oval shaped paddle of skin 5 inches wide on each breast that is a different color from the rest of my breast because it’s skin from my back side. It will be removed in the second stage of surgeries. I have an open wound on my left breast and a nipple that has not healed yet. That nipple will require reconstruction to look “normal” again. I have two very sore wounds on each hip that are still leaky and healing from having drains removed. But…do you know what I see when I look at that picture? I see ME! I see a woman who looks like she used to with a smile on her face. I see myself wearing clothes out of my closet that weren’t purchased specifically for surgery. I see a woman about to go to dinner with her family and enjoy a night out. I see a woman who doesn’t look broken. My body has undergone quite a bit of trauma. I am regaining mobility but I am still sore and weak. But my heart is happy that I am moving forward. I am seeing myself heal. I am working hard to make that happen and will continue to do so. Someday I believe I will feel together, whole and beautiful without my clothes on because I will heal. This picture gives me hope.
Category The Journey | Tags: blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,drains,emotions,healing,pain,planning,plans,plastic surgeon,recovery,scar | 1 Comment