No woman is really symmetrical. We all know this. But it’s something I believe we all desire. It’s incredibly frustrating to try to shop for a bra when you’re not. I was not symmetrical before surgery. I thought given that we were starting from nothing that I would likely be symmetrical this time. I am not…and even more so than before surgery. I’m trying hard to not be critical of myself and what I have post surgery. I’m considering some different options. Praying for some clarity and peace.
Posts Tagged ‘planning’
January 16, 2013 by Julie
October 3, 2012 by Julie
I got married 13 years ago. This was before people had cell phones, digital cameras and blogs. We barely had the internet back then. Weddings didn’t seem nearly as creative as they are now. If you hadn’t seen it before and you weren’t one of those super creative types you had a typical wedding. Which is awesome…but let’s face it, not quite as cool as some of the weddings happening today. It’s easy to get caught up in Pinterest and see beautiful weddings with creative ideas and wish you had “done that” for your wedding. I get a feeling of dissatisfaction about my wedding…I don’t like it. I usually promptly close Pinterest and the feelings go away.
I have been having those same feelings about my reconstruction. Technology and medicine never stops. It is inevitable that breast reconstruction is only going to get better and better. The choices available are going to blow my mind. I know my mom has some of these feelings about her own reconstruction. She had her surgery four years before my own and it has amazed us what was available to me that wasn’t quite as well known and/or available to her. But I have to quiet that voice in my head that wonders if I should have chosen a different type of reconstruction. I am happy with my reconstruction but I do have things that are still not quite right. I know I have another surgery in November but I wonder if I will still have some of these feelings after that surgery too. I want to help others but I think that there might come a point where I just have to quit looking things up and researching and being involved with the previvor forums for fear that my involvement will keep me from being satisfied with where I am. I will never stop being an advocate for breast health, breast cancer research and breast reconstruction. I do have two daughters…they may very well have the BRCA gene mutation. My efforts to find a cure are for them as much as they are for me.
August 21, 2012 by Julie
This is how I feel tonight.
I had a great drive to and from Charleston today with my sweet husband. We left early at 8 am and returned around 8:30 pm tonight. It was so great to spend that time alone with him. When you have three children you just don’t get that much undivided attention from your spouse. We had a great spiritual discussion, laughed and I felt really loved by him. I’m so grateful he is so supportive of this journey. I couldn’t imagine trying to convince him that driving to Charleston for a surgery was/is the best plan for me if he wasn’t on board with the plan.
Everything is looking good and healing well and softening as it should. Dr. Craigie seemed pleased with how things looked and said I was ready to finish up. We planned a surgery date for November 27th. The kids will be back in school so it should be a little more manageable than my summer surgery date was. We will finish my nipple reconstruction on the left side, fill up one part of the right breast that needs some fullness and then he will do a revision of the donor site. That revision means they will open up the scar and take some fat from below the scar and fat from above the scar and fill in the concave area. It will hopefully help things to be more proportional. For those who don’t know the scar on my backside goes basically from hip to hip in a V. This should be the final surgery I need. It’s inpatient for one night only because they like for me to sleep on that special air filled bed for one night after surgery. We asked if they could give us a special spa room since our deductible for the year has been “met” (though we are still slowly paying it to everyone). They just laughed.
It was interesting today. Dr. Craigie is a laid back guy. I love that about him but today it made me a little insecure to tell him all that I wanted “fixed”. I think what I realized is that maybe he is used to dealing with “sick” people who are really not interested in more surgery to get themselves back to normal. They are more focused on survival…which I get. I wanted him to sell himself a bit more I suppose but overall I know that he will really do a great job. I do miss Christina…the PA I had for the first stage. She moved to another state to follow her husband to a new job. I could sure use a chat with her tonight. She was such an encourager.
March 29, 2012 by Julie
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Category The Journey | Tags: BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,decisions,emotions,expenses,fear,finances,insurance,medicine,pain,planning,plans,plastic surgeon,recovery,scar,surgeon,Surgery,travel | No Comments
March 3, 2012 by Julie
This photo is from March 1, 2012. One month exactly after my bilateral mastectomy and SGAP breast reconstruction. I have a 10 inch scar from each hip down into a V on my buttocks. Yes…TEN inches EACH. I have an oval shaped paddle of skin 5 inches wide on each breast that is a different color from the rest of my breast because it’s skin from my back side. It will be removed in the second stage of surgeries. I have an open wound on my left breast and a nipple that has not healed yet. That nipple will require reconstruction to look “normal” again. I have two very sore wounds on each hip that are still leaky and healing from having drains removed. But…do you know what I see when I look at that picture? I see ME! I see a woman who looks like she used to with a smile on her face. I see myself wearing clothes out of my closet that weren’t purchased specifically for surgery. I see a woman about to go to dinner with her family and enjoy a night out. I see a woman who doesn’t look broken. My body has undergone quite a bit of trauma. I am regaining mobility but I am still sore and weak. But my heart is happy that I am moving forward. I am seeing myself heal. I am working hard to make that happen and will continue to do so. Someday I believe I will feel together, whole and beautiful without my clothes on because I will heal. This picture gives me hope.
February 17, 2012 by Julie
Last night as I was lying in my bed waiting for my body to fall asleep my thoughts turned to my surgeons in Charleston. I started to think through the first time I met them.
I drove from Athens, GA to Charleston, SC with the Mister so that we could visit the city and see if these were the right doctors for me. Some friends of mine who used to live in Charleston recommended a wonderful place to stay and we spent a whole day enjoying the city. The next day we drove to the Charleston Breast Center and first met with Dr. Craigie, plastic surgeon and his PA (whom I had already had over an hour conversation with over the phone…she was amazing and answered all my questions in depth). I already felt so comfortable since I had been in contact with them over the phone. In fact when I had emailed I had gotten a reply from Dr. Craigie himself. They were so amazing. The Mister had so many questions and Dr. Craigie fielded them all. They gave us so much attention and put me at ease. It really was feeling like the right choice. Then I was able to meet with Dr. Baron, the breast surgeon and his PA. Dr. Baron was very attentive to my questions and then at the end of our meeting he leaned over and gave me a hug and said “You’re going to be ok. We’re going to take good care of you.” It was right then that my heart decided. These were the right men for the job. Not only are they amazing surgeons but they were compassionate and caring. I felt as though I had two fathers who were going to care for me like a daughter. We scheduled my surgery for February 1, 2012. I would not see them again until the day before surgery.
They did not disappoint when it came to be surgery time. I met with Dr. Craigie the day before to be marked for surgery. This was the first time my mom had met him and he immediately greeted her with a hug. I felt so grateful for the PA Christina…seeing her was instant comfort. All of my pre-op and post-op meetings with them have been wonderful.
Last night I began to cry. My tears were not sad tears even though I’m still so uncomfortable and unable to sleep on my side. My tears were of gratitude for the healing hands of Charleston. I missed them. It seems so strange for them to be far away and not be able to see them. I am not sure if I will need to go back for a checkup before stage 2 of my surgery. I am grateful that I decided to go to Charleston. I will be eternally grateful for Dr. Craigie, Christina and Dr. Baron. They went above and beyond and took care of the whole person.
February 10, 2012 by Julie
I received an email from a friend this afternoon that brought me to tears. I hadn’t really given too much thought to how my friends were feeling during this whole journey. I have thought lots about my family but not specifically about my friends. She put her feelings into words so eloquently and it really made me think about the decisions that I make to include people in my hard times and rely on my friends. I thought this really needed to be shared.
“Thank you for being so willing to let your friends help out through this time, Julie. I know that it isn’t easy, but it’s been a gift to us in many ways. As people who love you, we could be feeling helpless and sad right now. But, by letting us bring meals to your family and help out where we can you’ve given us the gift of feeling useful. And, we worry for you…but we worry less because you’ve made us feel included in your journey and been honest about how you’re feeling. Less worry is always a gift. And, right now my kiddos are playing in their room, bringing food and cleaning the “houses” of their stuffed animals. Because the animals aren’t feeling well and “that’s just what friends do for each other, Mama.” I’m grateful that friendship, and both the offering of kindness and the very gracious acceptance of it are being so beautifully modeled by this circle of friends you’ve created. So thank you for those gifts…they’ve been unexpected blessings.”
January 24, 2012 by Julie
Lying in my bed
So many plans in my head
Hurry up sleep and take over
I need tomorrow to come quickly