May 31, 2012 by Julie
********warning…there is a whole lot of whining in this post
i have to get it all out before I can get over it ********
I haven’t posted since I got home from Charleston. It’s been a week now since I returned. Honestly I haven’t done much of anything. I am having a much harder time with this stage than I expected. It helps me greatly to look back on photos of myself as a happy, bright eyed woman because right now I am not sure where that chick is. I have only really gotten dressed once in the past week and that was because some friends came over to celebrate Memorial Day. I barely got off the couch that day and every day since. So…let’s break it down so I can process all that I’m feeling.
1- I hate meds. It’s good I don’t need them on a regular basis because my body freaking hates meds. I had to quit taking the dilaudid because even zofran wasn’t taking care of my nausea. I decided I could deal with a bit more pain if it meant less nausea. I hate how meds mess with your digestion. I hate that I have to set a timer to remember to take something around the clock. I’m finished with my antibiotic. I’m taking extra strength tylenol but last night I tried some Aleve to see if that helped more. Medicine makes me feel weak…not myself.
2- I feel guilty. Summer started on May 16th for my children. I feel like they are just missing out on the first month of summer, stuck with their sick mom in the house or pawned off on other people. I want to take them to the pool but I can’t get in the pool…which poses a problem when it’s 95 degrees outside and when you have a three year old. A few people have taken the kids to the pool and I feel like I’m missing out. I want them to remember this summer as a fun time not as the summer their mother was laid up on the couch. I’m tired of hearing the tv blaring but little children don’t find things to do on their own easily without some encouragement. I just feel like I’m in a fog and the days are slipping by.
3-I’m scared. I see my wounds and worry about my healing. In my head I know things are going to go fine but it’s such a delicate thing. I pray every day that my body will be whole and complete and healthy but I am scared.
4- I’m worried. I worry about my brca sisters. I know so many of them have been looking to me as a strong example. They have told me their concerns and fears and I have been the champion cheerleader. I have encouraged them and been their support and now I’m weak and I worry that this might scare them. I know they want to know the good and bad but I know how scary it can be also.
5- I’m grateful. My friends have not missed a beat helping me out this time as well. Stopping by with food, to clean up my living room or do a load of laundry. I’ve had plenty of help with my children.
Last night one of my friends came and got my oldest two children. She took my wild and crazy 7 year old boy and my 9 year old with a low grade fever who had thrown up the night before. She has three of her own. Her selflessness made me cry. To take a friend’s children when one of them is sick…potentially taking that on for your own family…loving my children as her own was remarkable. I have said it before…my village is amazing. Today my sister came and got the little one and they are off for a day long adventure. I want my babies close to me…they make me feel comforted even when they are driving me crazy. To be alone is a bit scary sometimes but I think I need this day to process, let it all out and stand back up. I know my kids are having the time of their life…they will come home happy, recharged, well fed and loved and hopefully I will greet them with a bit of the same.
How I look has become secondary this week…how I feel is so much more important right now. I need to feel better. I’m planning on going out today…somewhere. I’m going to get out of the house and go somewhere that makes me feel normal.
Category The Journey | Tags: baby girl,big girl,blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,emotions,fear,friends,medicine,recovery,Scared,Surgery,the boy | No Comments
February 2, 2012 by Julie
Wow! This is the most surreal feeling I can imagine right now. I actually did it. The doctors said it went great. I’m sleeping well despite my awesome nurse checking in on me. The hospital is beautiful and my room is large. I do miss my babies and the Mister. I called my big girl around 8:30and had my best friend wake her up. It was good for both of us. I am so grateful my mom is here. I am so grateful I am so healthy that this makes it such an easier procedure. I have gotten sooooo many compliments on my beautiful quilt my friends made me. Life is good. My heart is full.
My surgery took 12 hours. Can you believe that? I am sore. Morphine And Valium to the rescue.
Category The Journey | Tags: big girl,blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,family,friends,medicine,pain,recovery,Sleep,Surgery | No Comments
January 2, 2012 by Julie
January 2012…it’s go time! It’s the new year and that means the ball has dropped and it’s officially rolling. This week I get the kids back in school and I head out to Tennessee to do a little organizing work. Getting a client all settled into her new home in Nashville. I’m looking forward to some immersion in my work and also testing out the waters of me being gone and others taking care of my three little moons while I’m away. That is definitely the part of this journey that has me the most nervous. Next week is a big week. Monday and probably Wednesday too I have all my preop to get done. I have orders for bloodwork, metabolic profile, urinalysis, chest xray and EKG. I then have an MRI on Friday in Atlanta. I need all the prayers one can muster for all of these tests to come back perfect. I’m a little stressed about all the finances of this beginning. *deep cleansing breath* I think while I’m in Nashville I’m going to ask my friend if we can do a little yoga in the morning each day…hoping that I can add that to my daily routine this year and that it can center me the way it did when I was preparing for childbirth.
I don’t FEEL scared but every time I write about this stuff I start crying. I can’t pinpoint exactly what it is that I’m feeling. I feel a little detached from everything right now….my friendships, my relationship with God, the Mister. It’s funny the person I feel the most connected to right now is the big girl. She’s growing up so much right now and I think I’m really just enjoying her company so much…it’s uncomplicated and just so easy with her these days. I am going to REALLY miss her while I’m gone.
Category The Journey | Tags: big girl,breast cancer,charleston,expenses,family,fear,friends,God,insurance,mister | No Comments
October 29, 2011 by Julie
I took the Big Girl to the eye doctor’s office today. She failed her vision screening at the pediatrician’s office earlier this year so we took her to get her eye’s checked and sure enough she is just slightly near sighted. Nothing too bad but enough that it probably is a good idea to get her corrective lenses. She knew exactly what she wanted. She wanted dark plastic frames and she was so very excited. We tried on several pair and picked some super cute dark brown ones with a blue green color on the inside. Adorable! I can’t wait for her to get them next week. My little 8 year old…a milestone.
I remember the day I got my first pair of glasses. I can remember the day we picked them up and my mom handed them to me. I remember specifically being SHOCKED that you could see leaves on trees, read license plates and read billboards. I thought for sure my mother just had bionic vision and that someday when I got older my eyes would be able to see those type of things as well. It was a remarkable day in my life. I was 8 years old. I went from being the girl out in left field who couldn’t catch a ball to save her life to being the star of the softball field. I love looking at pictures now and seeing all the many different types of glasses I had over the years. And goodness gracious the year my mom either chose or let me get my lenses tinted ROSE…heaven help me they were awful. That was the same year I got an awful perm. I think my parents were working hard to make me the ugliest duckling of them all.
But today it wasn’t my girl and her new glasses that made me emotional. It was the fact that I got to say “We have a new insurance”. Why is that such a big deal? Because six and a half years ago my husband decided to embark on a new adventure and start his own company. He became an entrepreneur and with that came a lot of hard things. It is not an easy road…starting your own business. He has worked so many long hours. He has had so many sleepless nights. He is great at what he does though. He now has a successful company with seven employees and this month he was able to offer all his employees health benefits. I don’t think most people understand what that means or how that would even feel. It means we are legit. It means he’s doing things right. It means people are working for him and entrusting him with their family’s well being. I am so very proud of him. It was in that moment when the technician told me our glasses would just cost $25 that I just felt this overwhelming gratitude for how hard my man has worked. It means so many things beyond that too. It means that now I get to have my surgery. It means that I don’t have to worry as much about every little health issue since we no longer have catastrophic insurance. Such a simple thing…meant so very much today. Thank you my love.
Category The Journey | Tags: big girl,family,glasses,insurance | No Comments