Rejoicing and Mourning

June 10, 2012 by Julie Moon

These days I feel like I’m on a roller coaster.  One minute I’m ecstatic about how things are going and then the next minute I’m feeling like I’m never going to be finished and whole.  I remember my mom talking like this.  I remember her feeling like she was never going to feel great again.  She is not without complications even 4 years later but she is in a much better place.

Last night as I pulled off a piece of tape that has been over the incision on my right breast (all my wounds were sewn up with something that looks and feels like fishing line and then taped over with something I think looks like sheetrock tape) I was amazed.  My right breast looks so very normal.  So much like the me from before surgery.  I have  a 4.5 inch incision on that breast but other than that I’m feeling so happy with the results.  The scars will fade and it will be great.  Times of rejoicing.

Then I pulled off my no stick gauze from the left breast that is looking so rough. It’s hard to even imagine it looking normal again.  Lots of incisions and a bleb of a “nipple” they are working at creating and the incisions aren’t even closed tight.  Feeling like my insides are exposed and I’ll be eternally doing wound care.  Times of mourning.

We attempted a nipple sparing mastectomy for both sides.  The nipple has to receive adequate blood flow to survive and Leftie Loser did not.  She bit the dust early and now we have to replace her.  It makes me sad to see how great the right side looks and know what I would look like right now if  that nipple on the left had survived.  Makes me well up with tears right here right now.

But then I remind myself that I did not go through all of this just to have two fuller, more youthful breasts that look perfect.  I went through this to make sure I’m around to see this little bit grow her own breasts and make a life for herself.  I went through this to live a long life and I can live a very long life with one beautiful breast and one ok breast…neither of them are going to kill me.  And THAT my friends is what matters!


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