May 31, 2012 by Julie
********warning…there is a whole lot of whining in this post
i have to get it all out before I can get over it ********
I haven’t posted since I got home from Charleston. It’s been a week now since I returned. Honestly I haven’t done much of anything. I am having a much harder time with this stage than I expected. It helps me greatly to look back on photos of myself as a happy, bright eyed woman because right now I am not sure where that chick is. I have only really gotten dressed once in the past week and that was because some friends came over to celebrate Memorial Day. I barely got off the couch that day and every day since. So…let’s break it down so I can process all that I’m feeling.
1- I hate meds. It’s good I don’t need them on a regular basis because my body freaking hates meds. I had to quit taking the dilaudid because even zofran wasn’t taking care of my nausea. I decided I could deal with a bit more pain if it meant less nausea. I hate how meds mess with your digestion. I hate that I have to set a timer to remember to take something around the clock. I’m finished with my antibiotic. I’m taking extra strength tylenol but last night I tried some Aleve to see if that helped more. Medicine makes me feel weak…not myself.
2- I feel guilty. Summer started on May 16th for my children. I feel like they are just missing out on the first month of summer, stuck with their sick mom in the house or pawned off on other people. I want to take them to the pool but I can’t get in the pool…which poses a problem when it’s 95 degrees outside and when you have a three year old. A few people have taken the kids to the pool and I feel like I’m missing out. I want them to remember this summer as a fun time not as the summer their mother was laid up on the couch. I’m tired of hearing the tv blaring but little children don’t find things to do on their own easily without some encouragement. I just feel like I’m in a fog and the days are slipping by.
3-I’m scared. I see my wounds and worry about my healing. In my head I know things are going to go fine but it’s such a delicate thing. I pray every day that my body will be whole and complete and healthy but I am scared.
4- I’m worried. I worry about my brca sisters. I know so many of them have been looking to me as a strong example. They have told me their concerns and fears and I have been the champion cheerleader. I have encouraged them and been their support and now I’m weak and I worry that this might scare them. I know they want to know the good and bad but I know how scary it can be also.
5- I’m grateful. My friends have not missed a beat helping me out this time as well. Stopping by with food, to clean up my living room or do a load of laundry. I’ve had plenty of help with my children.
Last night one of my friends came and got my oldest two children. She took my wild and crazy 7 year old boy and my 9 year old with a low grade fever who had thrown up the night before. She has three of her own. Her selflessness made me cry. To take a friend’s children when one of them is sick…potentially taking that on for your own family…loving my children as her own was remarkable. I have said it before…my village is amazing. Today my sister came and got the little one and they are off for a day long adventure. I want my babies close to me…they make me feel comforted even when they are driving me crazy. To be alone is a bit scary sometimes but I think I need this day to process, let it all out and stand back up. I know my kids are having the time of their life…they will come home happy, recharged, well fed and loved and hopefully I will greet them with a bit of the same.
How I look has become secondary this week…how I feel is so much more important right now. I need to feel better. I’m planning on going out today…somewhere. I’m going to get out of the house and go somewhere that makes me feel normal.
Category The Journey | Tags: baby girl,big girl,blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,emotions,fear,friends,medicine,recovery,Scared,Surgery,the boy | No Comments
May 25, 2012 by Julie
I never tire of seeing this beautiful city. Charleston in my heart is a place of healing. It is a place of happiness for me. It was just four short months ago that my life took such a turn here in Charleston. I made a very tough decision to do something radical to ensure a life free of breast cancer. And this past week I was able to return to Charleston for the stage two of my reconstruction.
Two of my very best friends packed up and drove me to Charleston. My mom couldn’t leave until Tuesday so these wonderful women drove me down for my preop consult. We then had the opportunity to meet someone who is in the process of her reconstruction as well. The mother of a good friend of ours who I referred to Dr. Kline and Dr. Craigie. She’s had some obstacles to overcome in her recovery but it was so inspirational to see her and hear her express her gratitude for leading her to Charleston.
Stage two was lots easier than stage one. My surgery was only 5 hours instead of 11. However it was outpatient so as soon as I was in recovery they were waking me up and trying to get me going. I felt so groggy. The way you feel when you’re asleep and dreaming and trying to wake up in your dreams. Everything is blurry and impossible. It’s so very frustrating to be in that state. Everytime I sat up my face went pale and I thought I would pass out. My friend Meg and my mom looked at each other with concern…how in the world were they going to get me into our hotel room. Eventually they did it…they got me settled in and I slept most of the rest of the day. Right before they got the call that I was in recovery they were preparing to order sandwiches…so their lunch got delayed until dinner. Sorry ladies!
This stage they revised my scars on my breasts and recreated the nipple that I lost in stage one. Dr. Craigie also revised the ends of my donor site scars so they are now flat instead of creating “dog ears”. Some more contouring was done so that everything was smooth and even. I am very sore this time but much more mobile. I still have restrictions for about 3 weeks and will be resting and recovering at home. I feel so happy with the results. I still have a bit of a road of healing, getting these wounds to close up completely and some time getting these scars to fade. I still may do another revision on my donor site in the future but I won’t be doing anything until the fall. Oh and the best part of stage 2…no drains! I do however have to wear compression garments for the next three weeks…which makes me a bit nauseous.
I’m incredibly tired and my body is sore…I can hardly believe that I have two stages of surgery behind me now. I have already been able to connect with several women locally who are BRCA + and some others long distance via this blog. It makes me so happy to know that my journey gives strength to these other women.
My mom and I having breakfast the day after surgery at IHOP.
Category The Journey | Tags: blessings,BRCA,breast cancer,charleston,friends,plastic surgeon,Surgery,travel | No Comments
May 4, 2012 by Julie
Today I spent the morning at the hospital with my family. My future brother in law was just diagnosed with testicular and renal cancer. When I got the news from my sister I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. This is my baby sister and her sweetheart. How in the world could this be happening while they are falling in love and planning their wedding. Just took the wind right out of me. I feel sad and angry and a bit overwhelmed by it all. ENOUGH WITH THE FREAKING CANCER!!!! He had an orchiectomy surgery and we await the pathology from that surgery and then he will have his kidney biopsied next week. I’m so grateful he is on the journey to taking care of all of this but goodness it is so intense. It makes my heart break because he is such an amazing guy and I’m so grateful my sister has found him.
But back to perspective. As we were sitting in the waiting room I was surrounded by family and friends who have all had intense things in their lives. Each of their stories is quite overwhelming honestly. But there we all were…sitting there, survivors each in our own way. I am grateful. I am humbled by the whisper that is our life in this large world. Our lives are a mist. Be grateful….be still…be intentional. Soak it all up because in an instant…we are dust.
Category The Journey | Tags: biopsy,cancer,family,Surgery,waiting | No Comments